i used baking grease as lip gloss
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize