Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
