i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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