it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
