it's too hot outside to masturbate.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
