Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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