Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
