Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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