Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
