you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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