Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Drake has all the answers
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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