im drinking this country out of the recession.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
