She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
