She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
