Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
