I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
