I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
