...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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