she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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