a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
