The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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