Your face is a jimmy john
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
