I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
