the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
