if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
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I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
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I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need a beard to bite.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i out mim tonsoeep
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