I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
