Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
