Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
