mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
