I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
