you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
