if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
