Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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