I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
