I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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