I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
