She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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