Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
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Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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