I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
