Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
