my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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