Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
