I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
