I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
They have beer where we have blood.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
