better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
