my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
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I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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