the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
