There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
