Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
