I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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