Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
