ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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