fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
