I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
