i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
