Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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