I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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