I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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