I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Watching her eat just hurts me
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
