And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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